“I want to wake up and not have this overwhelming despair sit on my chest. I want to be done with this pain. I want to wake up and hear the birds sing. See the sunshine and savor it as it beats down on my face. I want to feel sexy when I walk out the door.”

I’ve been writing a lot lately. A LOT! And this is a tiny excerpt from a new book I’m just about ready to hand off to my editor.

But as I’m writing about two fabulous characters who are ready to take a chance on love again, I’ve asked myself a question over and over again.

What does it mean to be sexy?

Head to the dictionary and you’ll find it means sexually attractive or sexually aroused.

Is “sexy” only about outward emotions and appearances? Can you only be sexy if another notices you in a sexual way?

Redefining Sexy

I read a recent interview with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler the other day; they define sexy as something you feel, not what you are.

“Sexy is all relative. As an SNL writer, I have seen people who are famously sexy, women famous for being beautiful, come in as hosts. The male writers would be so excited; then, a couple days in, they are over it. If you know you have zero percent shot at the person, your body kind of shuts down — and it’s more about who you actually relate to.”

“The term sexy is very subjective. By the time you are in your forties, what you want to wear and what you think is sexy is not always, like, for another person. It’s what makes you feel good.”

I use the term “getting your sexy on” a lot. If you feel your best, are happy, healthy, ready to take on the world, you exude energy like no other. You want to look your best because you feel so good. You wear clothes that make you feel great. You take extra time to make sure you put your best foot forward when you walk out the door each morning.

That energy shows.

It makes you a better person. It makes the people around you to take notice.

So yes, you become sexier!

As a writer, I read just as much as I write. I find new authors all the time that I think help reinvent sexy and define it in a very modern way.

One of my latest obsessions is Alice Clayton; her book Wallbanger is a kickass read. You’ll love it. She sums up nicely the fact that sexy doesn’t have to mean you’re connected to a guy, it’s all about the way you feel inside.

“I’m a practical romantic. I can actually see some appeal in having a guy who travels a lot, because, frankly? I like my space. I also take up the entire bed, so it’s difficult for me to sleep with anyone.” I shook my head ruefully, remembering how quickly I used to kick my one-nighters to the curb. Some of my past wasn’t all that different from Simon’s. He just had his sexcapades tied up in a much neater package.
“A practical romantic. Interesting. So what about you? Dating anyone?” he asked.
“Nope, and I’m okay with that.”
“Really?”
“Is it so hard to believe a hot, sexy woman with a great career doesn’t need a man to be happy?”
“First of all, bully for you for calling yourself hot and sexy – because it’s true. It’s nice to see a woman give herself a compliment instead of fishing for one. And second, I’m not talking about getting married here, I’m talking about dating. You know, hanging out? Casually?”
“Are you asking me if I’m fucking anyone right now?” I shot at him, and he spluttered into his coffee.
“Definitely the strangest conversation I’ve ever had with a woman,” he sputtered.
“A hot and sexy woman,” I reminded him.
“That’s for damn sure.”

I love it!

Confidence. Self-assurance. Loving yourself. And a whole lot of energy.

Sexiness comes from owning who you are.

Redefining sexy. We all need a little more of it in our lives.

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